Happy Mother's Day, Mom

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day! For some reason I am struggling to find the words to say to you, I couldn't even bring myself to buy a card because nothing really worked... maybe because my emotions run so deep and if I allow these emotions to come to the surface, I wouldn't stop crying for days.

The last 5 years have been trying times for both of us. Our relationship has had its ups and downs due to grief. You lost the love of your life through death, I lost mine through divorce. I know I have failed, at times, to be there for you because I was working through my own sadness, I couldn't see through my grief. Yet, we made it through. 

And now, I have the privilege to live "at home" again. Well, you took the high road and live downstairs under a heard of elephants, so I don't know how much living happens- but you have never complained. I can't even begin to thank you for the enormous blessing it has been. You have given me the gift of time. Time to heal, time with my kids, and time for me. I'm lucky because it makes up for a small portion of the loss in their lives, and eases my burden too. 

My gratitude this year is for what you do for me as I am a mom, now. For blessings I will never be able to repay:

Thank you for always seeing Ethan's abilities, never his disabilities. For owning him, never embarrassed of him. You know what I mean by that. And for the time you out into helping dad become who he was. Because of this Ethan looks up to his Opa, and I hope he carries that legacy of Faith you and dad instilled in us. 

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see the smile on Aunna's face again, as you teach her to sew, the way you taught me. I never could have being a single mom. And she loves it so much, and you are so patient with her. 

Thank you for connect big with Neeltje through art, healing her fragile soul from her own experiences. Thank you for caring for her when I need a moment alone, or get away for a few days. The only reason I can is because I know you have my kids. 

Bradley, while marching to the beat of his own drum, is proud that you are "his" Oma more than the other kids in the neighborhood. And thank you for laughing at his 12 year old brain, and not shaming him for it. He needs this. 

And I am so grateful for the way you bridge the generational gap with Megan. You give her some identity when you connect her to dad, and meet her needs when I as a mom have been stretched to thin. 

I could never say this to you in person, I couldn't get through it. So I'm taking the cowards way out and writing you this letter in a blog post. It doesn't have any less meaning because it's here, I'm just able to say what I need to say here. And once I hit post, I'll send down one of the kids with your gift card. ;)

I love you mom. And as Catharina always says, too bad everyone doesn't have a Kathleen in their lives.... the world would be a better place if they did. 

Love Always,

Your most favorite April