Happy Mother's Day, Mom

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day! For some reason I am struggling to find the words to say to you, I couldn't even bring myself to buy a card because nothing really worked... maybe because my emotions run so deep and if I allow these emotions to come to the surface, I wouldn't stop crying for days.

The last 5 years have been trying times for both of us. Our relationship has had its ups and downs due to grief. You lost the love of your life through death, I lost mine through divorce. I know I have failed, at times, to be there for you because I was working through my own sadness, I couldn't see through my grief. Yet, we made it through. 

And now, I have the privilege to live "at home" again. Well, you took the high road and live downstairs under a heard of elephants, so I don't know how much living happens- but you have never complained. I can't even begin to thank you for the enormous blessing it has been. You have given me the gift of time. Time to heal, time with my kids, and time for me. I'm lucky because it makes up for a small portion of the loss in their lives, and eases my burden too. 

My gratitude this year is for what you do for me as I am a mom, now. For blessings I will never be able to repay:

Thank you for always seeing Ethan's abilities, never his disabilities. For owning him, never embarrassed of him. You know what I mean by that. And for the time you out into helping dad become who he was. Because of this Ethan looks up to his Opa, and I hope he carries that legacy of Faith you and dad instilled in us. 

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see the smile on Aunna's face again, as you teach her to sew, the way you taught me. I never could have being a single mom. And she loves it so much, and you are so patient with her. 

Thank you for connect big with Neeltje through art, healing her fragile soul from her own experiences. Thank you for caring for her when I need a moment alone, or get away for a few days. The only reason I can is because I know you have my kids. 

Bradley, while marching to the beat of his own drum, is proud that you are "his" Oma more than the other kids in the neighborhood. And thank you for laughing at his 12 year old brain, and not shaming him for it. He needs this. 

And I am so grateful for the way you bridge the generational gap with Megan. You give her some identity when you connect her to dad, and meet her needs when I as a mom have been stretched to thin. 

I could never say this to you in person, I couldn't get through it. So I'm taking the cowards way out and writing you this letter in a blog post. It doesn't have any less meaning because it's here, I'm just able to say what I need to say here. And once I hit post, I'll send down one of the kids with your gift card. ;)

I love you mom. And as Catharina always says, too bad everyone doesn't have a Kathleen in their lives.... the world would be a better place if they did. 

Love Always,

Your most favorite April

The No Resolution- Resulutions

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I know many bloggers have long ago posted their New Year Resolutions. I have said before how much I enjoy making and keeping resolutions, but life in this last year has gone by way too fast with too much change. I have been really struggling trying to decide what I want to change, improve, or resolve to do better at.

I thought it was so weird to be struggling to discover things, and my relief society lesson in church yesterday led me to realize that the Lord is hearing me and talking to me. So thank you to that wonderful sister who taught yesterday (you know who you are ;) ). One of the sources for her lesson was a BYU speech I read that started me on my path to a lot of change this last June. There is a quote from this speech that I love:

"Is there any future for me? What does a new year...hold for me? Will I be safe? Will life be sound? Can I trust in the Lord and in the future? Or would it be better to look back, to go back, to go home?
To all such of every generation, I call out, “Remember Lot’s wife.” Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the “high priest of good things to come."

-Jeffrey R. Holland

So, after a lot of thought and pondering, I have decided on no resolutions of the normal type this year....

If you have read my Emotional and Mental Burnout Post, Room With a View or my New About Me Post you will see that over the last 12 months my brain is fried. Lol! Just dealing with anxiety, a pretty serious knee surgery, divorce and remarriage all in one year has been a lot. There are many times I wonder what God is thinking placing this much change on a life all at once, but I have to remember He knows what I can handle... The adjustments for myself alone have sometimes left me feeling like my life is unmanageable, but to throw on top of this helping with the fragile emotions of children adjusting as well, and blending 2 different people's lives and kids??? Yeah, crazy is the right word.

I haven't thrown the concept of resolutions out all together. I am just saying the ones that seem so tangible are not on my list this year. In the last 4 months I have found that  everytime I make a resolution for anything I am choosing, I am finding myself feeling alone and frustrated, and mostly just overwhelmed. I was perplexed knowing that change is what God wants from us. But I was forgetting the part that what He also wants, is my will with any changes that are being made. To sacrifice what I want, for what He wants for me.

I have decided I am not going to choose for me. I am going to humbly ask what is wanted of me... and go from there. So far, I have this:

1. Eat- and when you think you have eaten, eat again. I deeply struggle with feeding myself. It seemed so trivial for so long. Now, I see how lack of food contributes to what I cannot get done in a day, what promptings I cannot hear, and how I cannot be the disposition I want, and my family needs, if my body is starving.
2. Work everyday to see myself the way God sees me- I have lost almost 40 pounds since July. I know this is a good thing, but I don't see it. I still see the woman at her heaviest weight after her 3rd baby. I discovered that body image isn't about how your body looks, it is how I feel about how my body looks. I need to change this feeling.
3. Stop trying to "get back" to who I used to be- and create who I want to be now. About 5 years ago, I had my crap together. All together. The balancing act of housework, organization, self care, child care, exercise, etc. About 2 and a half years ago something broke inside. I couldn't hold it all together. Yes I was dealing with a marriage falling apart, a father who was dying, and a car accident that changed my life. But "having it all together" should have helped with these crises. It didn't. I was doing too much by myself, not saying "no" when I needed, and not trusting others to help me. This is not the Lord's way. I need to create who I want to be.

Yep, 3 whole things on my list. That is seriously all. The inner lover-of-resolutions-and-personal-change says I need to keep adding things. I know about a gazillion things I could add... but I won't.  Sometimes holding back is the real change we need need?

Have a Happy New Year!

No Regrets

Dad in his SF hat.

Time has a way of slipping by, specifically when you want to hit the pause button. I know I spoke of my dad's diagnoses in a previous post, but I have not updated any status as of late. And yes, there are statuses to update.

 My entire life- as far as my medical history is concerned- I have heard doctors say something along the lines of  "we don't see this very often...", or "chances of THAT happening are minimal..." (and then it happens) or some other crazy unique statistic that has always made me feel like a freak. For crying out loud, I am allergic to NEOSPORIN!?! I used to joke with my sister, as she has some of the same issues, that we probably got it from my mom as her medical history is longer than my dad's. My dad has always been well, and if he ever came down with a cold you might think the end of the world was coming because that just never happened.

I spoke before of some challenges we had been presented in my dad's treatment plan. For those that know nerd speak he has the ALL type leukemia,with the Philadelphia marker, and some Chromosome 20 marker. These 2 markers together, the doctors said they had never before seen in the same patient.They also said they have never seen a patient diagnosed with ALL walk into the hospital vs being rolled in by wheelchair. And, it took them almost a week to figure it to be Leukemia because it "had never been presented" symptomatically the way it had in my dad. So, yes, I think we get it from him.

Monday November 8, 2012 I listened in on a medical conference that took place in my dad's hospital room. Involved in this little meeting were my parents, my brother +BJ, and a panel of MD's. They spoke about my dad's state of Leukemia, and discussed options available to him. There weren't many. 

My dad's uniqueness was a problem. He was starting to reject platelets. Because of the Ph + marker he had to have a marrow transplant. Because of the Ch 20, it had to be a 10/10 match. So far they had found only 4 possible matches nationwide. If they did find a match his survival rate was about 40%, and even then it would take almost 3 years for us to find out if it worked. There was always a chance he would just beat it on his own, you know miraculous healing and such. Or he could have a "maintenance lifestyle" where he could do maintenance therapy for years. As long as his body would let him. When all was said and done, survival rate doing nothing was around 3%. A little disheartening at best.

So November 9, 2012 my dad was able to come home from the hospital for a small reprieve between chemo treatments. Once he got home, and had the opportunity to think and pray, he made his decision. Life attached to an IV pole, gowning up with gloves and HEPA mask run an errand or to be around grandchildren was not his idea of living. Nor did he want the memories left with all of us to be of hand sanitizer, barriers, and him wasting away. He, and all of the family, has fasted and prayed and we felt it was time to let him go.

So that is where we are as a family.

He has been recording his last thoughts via a voice recording pen. He has asked each of us for a list of topics we might want to know about. I asked him to speak to each one of us and identify our best traits and why he likes it. I want to know what his favorite memory is about my mom, and what his best memories of his parents are. I even want to know his favorite memory about each of us. I want to know if he has any advice about regrets, and most of all I want to hear his testimony about the gospel as he gets closer to the end.

 I feel this has been one of the greatest blessings I personally could have received. We have been given a warning which has made it possible to have no regrets when his time to leave finally comes. 

We Could All Learn a Lesson from a Child

PUDDLE WARNING: This post might have the possibility of creating puddles of happy, touching tears. You have been warned. :)

I have been so very blessed. I have been given very good children. Oh they have their moments of fighting, teasing, and yelling at each other (Stop breathing on me!), but their nature is innately good. Since this whole thing with my Dad, we have done a lot of talking about helping my parents and what will be required of all of us. We had a family meeting and told them all of what was going to happen to Opa (dutch for grandpa). He was sick, he would be in the hospital for long time, he would lose his hair, and we couldn't bring the sick bugs to him.We talked about everyone sacrificing, so we can help my parents. They have been so good to do their part. 

There has also been a lot of discussion about finances, as hospital bills can get quite steep. I have a monthly craft group, and I decided, that all proceeds will be donated to my parents. My daughter Aunna, who is 11, proposed that all the kids do more to help around the house, so I could help my dad at the hospital, and have time to work on the crafts for the group. We also discussed the plans for a fundraising Boutique and how that would help financially for my parents. I would have to be making a lot of the crafts myself, so they said they would help with dinner too.

Bradley

Then this is where you will need your hankie... 

My 7 year old, Bradley comes to me and crawls onto my lap, turns my head to face him, and says: "Mom, I have some dollars, 3 I think. Can I give them to Opa?" At this point I was doing my best to hold it together. I told him that I was sure Opa would be so grateful to have them. Bradley then proceeds to ask me what else he can do to help raise money. He proclaimed he wanted to start a "Lemonade Stand Business", that's what he called it. But since it was winter, he thought hot chocolate would be better, and in the summer he would do lemonade.

He said he needed a box, to write a sign. I asked him what he would write and he said he would put...

"My Opa has Leukemia, please buy some.

25 cents"

He has been working on what he needs to run said business. Hot cocoa (of course), cups, spoons and a giant thing to put it in (thermos). Then he said he wanted to go to all the houses being built in our neighborhood and ask the workers if they would buy some. "Because, mom, they are probably cold working outside."

Yes, I think we all could learn a lesson from a child.

Diagnoses

We've all done it. Heard some kind of tragic, life changing story that applied to someone else's life, and for a moment thought... "I am so glad these kinds of things don't happen to my family." I've done it. I personally have friends whose loved ones have been taken in an instant, or become sick, or even impaired. And everytime, my heart goes out to them completely, followed by that guilty thought.

Well, over the last 2 weeks, I have become that individual in your circle of friends. The one you have empathy for, feel compassion for, and then think..."I am glad it isn't me." On Wednesday, October 17, 2012 my dad was diagnosed with Leukemia.

Don't feel guilty though, you should be glad. We all have our individual roles in this life. And for whatever reason this is something my dad has to fight through, and in turn, we must deal with. These types of things are nothing you can really prepare for, emotionally that is. You have to experience and process the emotions, and in time you come to accept it.

I have to say though, as far as diagnoses go, we are lucky. When he was first given the news of Leukemia, they talked about a dual phenotype something or other. Meaning they thought he had both the ALL and AML types of cancer. Let's just say that prognosis was bad, like, no hope bad. I remember feeling kind of numb for those few days, and then... some good news. A few days later, the pathologists said it was just the ALL type, and we were pretty happy about that as far as families-that-just-received-cancer-as-a-diagnosis could be.

Now, 2 short weeks later we are trying to get into a routine of how best to help my dad, share the burden with my mom, and for me... make the most of the time. Not that we have been given a time, but I have noticed that since my dad has been sick, our relationship is different, he is different. I mean, how could you really stay the same? He tells me all the time to enjoy my kids, cause the time goes way too fast, that he loves me, and is proud of the mother I have become- and I see the joy in his eyes a lot brighter when I tell him the going ons of my children.

He has always told me he is proud of me, and I always knew it in the past, but now I am hearing it. Like it is sinking into my soul. And every moment I spend with him, I feel like is a photo shoot, memories I will add to my mind should the outcome not end up as optimistic as it started.