Baby Steps

Friggin stop the presses!! Holy crud Batman, guess what?!?

Wait... I kind of need a moment here. I have this habit of accomplishing hard things and not realizing how great a feat they sometimes are, and I believe this is one of those moments. So, here it goes...

My Checkbook is balanced. *crickets*

No, wait! I promise this is a really big thing! Why you may ask? Because 5 years ago it would have taken me 3 months to prep, a slip prevention worksheet and who knows how many Xanax. Not to mention by the time I was done, peace would not have been acquired. This is part of the process when you have PTSD from a relationship. I have talked about his before as an #exspouseofanaddict. Nothing was ever as simple as it was. It was complicated.

Remember trauma is defined as a normal reaction to abnormal behavior. So if I had trauma and anxiety over a checkbook you can just imagine how abnormal it was? Yep.

Today, not only is it balanced but I have peace! And that is a good feeling. Despite plans to be here a while ago, I am finally here today. And now I get to go forward.

I know a lot of you out there are with me on this. You know these feelings, and you also punish yourself for not being where you hink you need to be. Stop doing that.

Give yourself grace. Realize it took a while to get to where you are and it will take time, effort, and work to get out of it. You aren't afraid of the work, you are afraid of the time. We all are. You are afraid if you don't change now, you might be this way forever. You won't be.You are concerned you are going to stay that way, you are conscious of it, so we both know you aren't just going to concede.

So take a minute to reflect on your life, what have you acomplished, that when viewed as babysteps, is no big deal. But to compare it side by side as a before and after? It is huge. Recognize that today and move forward.

We've got this!

Finding Normal

It's 4 am and I am awake...again. As of late this is a totally normal thing. The only difference is today I am not going to lay in bed hoping that sleep will find me. I am so over being a patient person in regards to all the stuff I am processing through. Ugh...processing.  That seems to have become a dirty word as I am so tired of hearing it or using it. Usually I lay in bed waiting, ever so patiently for sleep to find me so I can drift off back to dreamland. But if I am going to be honest with myself I am going to admit that if I do remember dreaming, they would be considered nightmares. Sure, they seem peaceful enough... and then there are a few threads of truth to my dreams, enough to remind me how scary the life I once led would be terrifying for most.

The No Resolution- Resulutions

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I know many bloggers have long ago posted their New Year Resolutions. I have said before how much I enjoy making and keeping resolutions, but life in this last year has gone by way too fast with too much change. I have been really struggling trying to decide what I want to change, improve, or resolve to do better at.

I thought it was so weird to be struggling to discover things, and my relief society lesson in church yesterday led me to realize that the Lord is hearing me and talking to me. So thank you to that wonderful sister who taught yesterday (you know who you are ;) ). One of the sources for her lesson was a BYU speech I read that started me on my path to a lot of change this last June. There is a quote from this speech that I love:

"Is there any future for me? What does a new year...hold for me? Will I be safe? Will life be sound? Can I trust in the Lord and in the future? Or would it be better to look back, to go back, to go home?
To all such of every generation, I call out, “Remember Lot’s wife.” Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the “high priest of good things to come."

-Jeffrey R. Holland

So, after a lot of thought and pondering, I have decided on no resolutions of the normal type this year....

If you have read my Emotional and Mental Burnout Post, Room With a View or my New About Me Post you will see that over the last 12 months my brain is fried. Lol! Just dealing with anxiety, a pretty serious knee surgery, divorce and remarriage all in one year has been a lot. There are many times I wonder what God is thinking placing this much change on a life all at once, but I have to remember He knows what I can handle... The adjustments for myself alone have sometimes left me feeling like my life is unmanageable, but to throw on top of this helping with the fragile emotions of children adjusting as well, and blending 2 different people's lives and kids??? Yeah, crazy is the right word.

I haven't thrown the concept of resolutions out all together. I am just saying the ones that seem so tangible are not on my list this year. In the last 4 months I have found that  everytime I make a resolution for anything I am choosing, I am finding myself feeling alone and frustrated, and mostly just overwhelmed. I was perplexed knowing that change is what God wants from us. But I was forgetting the part that what He also wants, is my will with any changes that are being made. To sacrifice what I want, for what He wants for me.

I have decided I am not going to choose for me. I am going to humbly ask what is wanted of me... and go from there. So far, I have this:

1. Eat- and when you think you have eaten, eat again. I deeply struggle with feeding myself. It seemed so trivial for so long. Now, I see how lack of food contributes to what I cannot get done in a day, what promptings I cannot hear, and how I cannot be the disposition I want, and my family needs, if my body is starving.
2. Work everyday to see myself the way God sees me- I have lost almost 40 pounds since July. I know this is a good thing, but I don't see it. I still see the woman at her heaviest weight after her 3rd baby. I discovered that body image isn't about how your body looks, it is how I feel about how my body looks. I need to change this feeling.
3. Stop trying to "get back" to who I used to be- and create who I want to be now. About 5 years ago, I had my crap together. All together. The balancing act of housework, organization, self care, child care, exercise, etc. About 2 and a half years ago something broke inside. I couldn't hold it all together. Yes I was dealing with a marriage falling apart, a father who was dying, and a car accident that changed my life. But "having it all together" should have helped with these crises. It didn't. I was doing too much by myself, not saying "no" when I needed, and not trusting others to help me. This is not the Lord's way. I need to create who I want to be.

Yep, 3 whole things on my list. That is seriously all. The inner lover-of-resolutions-and-personal-change says I need to keep adding things. I know about a gazillion things I could add... but I won't.  Sometimes holding back is the real change we need need?

Have a Happy New Year!

Table Redo Part 1

So I know for the last year in my Coming Up section has been some info about redoing my current table. The day I sprayed that first chair, it snowed later that night. Ugh... Total frustration! It put a damper on getting anything else on it done. I do believe now it was divine intervention as my life has so drastically changed that if I would have redone that table, it would have been for nothing...

Simplify Your Calendar: Repeating Appointments

It is that back to school time of year, and I have already failed almost every one of my "New School Year" resolutions. If you are like me, you think the kids are going back to school and you will be the perfect you again. Oh contraire... I don't know why I do this to myself, but I do... Every. Single. Year. I was reading the other day on Momastery her September Scandal. I laughed so hard, and then cried because I do this too. After reading it, I grabbed my big girl panties, and decided I am going to take it one day at a time...but for real. The emotional burnout I went through a while ago has been slowing down, and I feel like I am healing from that chaos. I also realize I am my own nemesis, as I seem to create too much for myself frequently. Which brings me to this post... Simplifying what you see on your calendar to create a less overwhelming sight!

Skin Care: Moisturizing

So, we are finally at the end of our skin care series... because only here doe it take months to post 5 posts about skin care. Thank you to those who have been so patient. For those of you tuning in when this is all finished, well- you are the lucky ones. :)

Here are the quick links to the rest of the series:

1. Exfoliation
2. Cleansing
3. Toner & Astringents
4. Moisturizing- this is where we are today.

Skin Care: Toner & Astringent

Finally, we are nearing the end of our skin care series. I am sorry for the long delay. I have had some personal stuff going on, a sick little one, a fractured arm for my #3 child, and newborn baby bunnies being fed by a dropper! Yes, I am feeling like I am running from one moment of chaos to another moment of chaos. So picking up where we left off- here is a quick recap with some quick links, this is where we have been and where we are today.

Skin Care: Cleansing

I would like to apologize for not having this out sooner. As part of my therapy for my knee is to begin activity, but slowly. A little cardio seemed in order. Apparently 15 minutes of kickboxing was not slow enough! The next day, the muscles in my hands were so tight I could barely open them and then typing was almost impossible! 

I have been talking about my Skin Care routines as of late. I have people asking me about it all the time. I don't think I am spectacular or anything, I get asked a lot, and so I am sharing what I do and what I use and have used. This is where we are right now:

Skin Care: Exfoliation | Scrubs: Sugar vs Salt?

I hope ya'll got a chance to read about Skin Care: The Basics. If not, now might be a good time to catch up. This is a second post in the skin care series. I am a practicing Licensed Massage Therapist that knows about the anatomy of the skin, it's function, metabolism, etc, and I have learned my fair share regarding skin care. I am licensed in doing body mud and seaweed wraps, and salt and sugar scrubs. But most of what I offer today is based off of my own experiences creating the knowledge I have. 

Long before my success in making some DIY Whipped Body Butter and Homemade Lotion, I was using a DIY body and face scrub. If there is one thing I feel I am pretty serious about, it is skin care. Not just care of the face, but actually all the skin: arms, hands, elbows, knees, legs... I kind of feel like since it's the only skin I've been given, I need to take care of it.

Skin Care: The Basics

I think for where I am in my life, my skin looks pretty good. At 37 years old, I don't have major signs of skin aging. I have been able to control breakouts and acne even though I have some hardcore PCOS. My children have not yet told me I look "old". In fact, I usually get compliments from complete strangers about my skin and complexion? (Not friends so much-what's up with that? Lol!) In fact, when I am in the makeup aisle of any local Walgreen's, Target, or Wal-Mart, I usually have a lady ask me what I use. So, I guess it is time for a post about what I do and my thoughts and feelings towards skin care.

Are You In The Club?

Are you in "The Club"? I know this is a really cryptic title, and it is supposed to be- an attention grabber is what I am hoping for. Something that at fills you with curiosity so you have to read on to find out what I am talking about? Is it working? :) In all seriousness, I have a desire this post will reach a lot of people as I believe so many are affected by this theory of mine and do not exactly know how to put this into words-both sides of the "club line". Trust me, I am going to explain.

Self Care: Not Just a Simple Concept

In the last few months I have been on a journey and it has taken me places I never knew possible. It started in September with my first panic attack, and I wrote my post about Emotional and Mental Burnout. It has been a very personal journey, but has also given me insight and perspective into, and for, the way most of us live our lives.

Happy 2014: A Year for Self Care

I hope you all had a wonderful Holiday season (all 2 of my readers, lol!) I did, and just like everyone else, I am transitioning to the holiday let down. I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. I love the newness of the year, a fresh start, and the opportunity to set some self improvement goals. But here in UT, it is cold, the snow is dirty, and inversion starts to really kick in, this is the hate part!

I am one of those sick tickets that love New Year's Resulotions.