Happy Mother's Day, Mom

Dear Mom,

Happy Mother's Day! For some reason I am struggling to find the words to say to you, I couldn't even bring myself to buy a card because nothing really worked... maybe because my emotions run so deep and if I allow these emotions to come to the surface, I wouldn't stop crying for days.

The last 5 years have been trying times for both of us. Our relationship has had its ups and downs due to grief. You lost the love of your life through death, I lost mine through divorce. I know I have failed, at times, to be there for you because I was working through my own sadness, I couldn't see through my grief. Yet, we made it through. 

And now, I have the privilege to live "at home" again. Well, you took the high road and live downstairs under a heard of elephants, so I don't know how much living happens- but you have never complained. I can't even begin to thank you for the enormous blessing it has been. You have given me the gift of time. Time to heal, time with my kids, and time for me. I'm lucky because it makes up for a small portion of the loss in their lives, and eases my burden too. 

My gratitude this year is for what you do for me as I am a mom, now. For blessings I will never be able to repay:

Thank you for always seeing Ethan's abilities, never his disabilities. For owning him, never embarrassed of him. You know what I mean by that. And for the time you out into helping dad become who he was. Because of this Ethan looks up to his Opa, and I hope he carries that legacy of Faith you and dad instilled in us. 

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to see the smile on Aunna's face again, as you teach her to sew, the way you taught me. I never could have being a single mom. And she loves it so much, and you are so patient with her. 

Thank you for connect big with Neeltje through art, healing her fragile soul from her own experiences. Thank you for caring for her when I need a moment alone, or get away for a few days. The only reason I can is because I know you have my kids. 

Bradley, while marching to the beat of his own drum, is proud that you are "his" Oma more than the other kids in the neighborhood. And thank you for laughing at his 12 year old brain, and not shaming him for it. He needs this. 

And I am so grateful for the way you bridge the generational gap with Megan. You give her some identity when you connect her to dad, and meet her needs when I as a mom have been stretched to thin. 

I could never say this to you in person, I couldn't get through it. So I'm taking the cowards way out and writing you this letter in a blog post. It doesn't have any less meaning because it's here, I'm just able to say what I need to say here. And once I hit post, I'll send down one of the kids with your gift card. ;)

I love you mom. And as Catharina always says, too bad everyone doesn't have a Kathleen in their lives.... the world would be a better place if they did. 

Love Always,

Your most favorite April

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Navigating the Negativity

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When I posted my most recent post about my Acceptance Letter and new About Me page, it was with a huge internal battle, and a lot of prompting from trusted friends. I knew that if I chose to go down that road there were going to be a lot of haters out there. There would be people to judge me for talking openly about my story. These people would range from those I thought to be friends, or women in my situation that choose to just accept their spouses activities, people that are ignorant to the life of a partner of an addict, and finally either addicts themselves. Let's face it, the guilty take the truth to be hard. The question for myself and one I had for others was how do I get through this part of telling my story and not let it affect me?

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My Room With a View...To the Blessings of Heaven

On February 19 I had another knee surgery. Yes, I did just have one 11 months ago. And yes, it is on the same knee. That makes this the 4th one on good ol' lefty. Two of these four were done more than 16 years ago, and I hadn't had any problems since. But I think I am just beginning to live the life I was meant to live.

Self Care: Not Just a Simple Concept

In the last few months I have been on a journey and it has taken me places I never knew possible. It started in September with my first panic attack, and I wrote my post about Emotional and Mental Burnout. It has been a very personal journey, but has also given me insight and perspective into, and for, the way most of us live our lives.

Emotional and Mental Burnout

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I have never been one of those peeps that shy away from talking about the hard stuff of life. In fact, I embrace it. I believe this is how change and growth comes about. Just ask my bestie (you know who you are). In the short 6 years we have known each other we have covered every imaginable topic you can think of. Seriously...