Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Keep Moving

So this post has been in the works for months!! Like, for a lot of months. And I don't know what to name it, and I don't know how to start it. All I know is the jist of what I want to say. But even that seems to have me pressing my back space in frustration too often. See, in the world of social media and Internet, it is still all in text and what one may or may not say is left open to interpretation as there is no tone of voice, intonation, or inflection...leaving a reader to wonder the intent behind some words.

As cryptic as all of the above sounds, I feel it necessary to preface what I am trying to say. The problem right now is, my blog "A Whole Lot of Schmidt" has lost the "Schmidt". As in, I am no longer Schmidt as my legal name. My kids still have it.. so that is the way I have justified not changing my blog title. :) If you guessed that I am just another casualty of the horrid word divorce, then you are correct. I have no intention of discussing the details here, so if you are bracing yourself for that, you can breathe easy. There are some subjects left to be discussed privately between the parties involved. I will say this was not a surprise thing in my life as I have been working for many years at a difficult situation.

And this is what I want to chat about: Life has no guarantees, you have to just keep moving. And I am okay with that. I am okay with having control over only my life, my actions, and knowing I cannot coerce or force, anyone to love and care about me. They will do what they want based on their character.

As many of us have the privilege of experiencing a good life, myself included, there are risks that come with that potential for happiness. Vulnerability is required for our risks. If we ever want to know what real happiness feels like we have to abandon the feeling that we might fail or be rejected. The risk of complete happiness is also worth the risk of losing it.

For 16 years I have put so much effort into obtaining happiness- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually- and near the end, into numbing out the fact I couldn't hold onto it. A little more than a year ago, I blogged about Emotional and Mental Burnout. These were the results from numbing out. (I highly suggest not taking that route.)

The effort I put into my life has ended up being my reward. I have a great appreciation for those years, and I am determined to have absolutely no regrets. And I don't. For reals. I do not regret being married, choosing him/him choosing me, and failing at having a successful relationship. Because I gained 5 beautiful children, a rock solid testimony of my Savior and Redeemer, and a lot of life experience. These years represent my strength, my perseverance, and my abilities. It really was a journey and hindsight has me appreciating it all. I do not regret learning and improving who I am. I read books, applied these concepts to my life, my parenting and my interaction with others. I also learned to put efforts into controlling myself, and to become the best me I could be. These skills are mine. I don't lose them with the dissolution of my marriage. I continue to benefit from them. My life has become the proof  I need to say I am not a failure.

When life got really hard, I would call my dad. I would talk to him and get perspective as he always had really great, down to earth advice. One thing he would always say to me "April, the scriptures tell us it always comes to pass... It never comes to stay." So, with this- I say no matter where you are in life- keep moving. Keep walking. Keep searching. Keep learning. Keep improving. Just. Keep. Moving... Forward.