Baby Steps

Friggin stop the presses!! Holy crud Batman, guess what?!?

Wait... I kind of need a moment here. I have this habit of accomplishing hard things and not realizing how great a feat they sometimes are, and I believe this is one of those moments. So, here it goes...

My Checkbook is balanced. *crickets*

No, wait! I promise this is a really big thing! Why you may ask? Because 5 years ago it would have taken me 3 months to prep, a slip prevention worksheet and who knows how many Xanax. Not to mention by the time I was done, peace would not have been acquired. This is part of the process when you have PTSD from a relationship. I have talked about his before as an #exspouseofanaddict. Nothing was ever as simple as it was. It was complicated.

Remember trauma is defined as a normal reaction to abnormal behavior. So if I had trauma and anxiety over a checkbook you can just imagine how abnormal it was? Yep.

Today, not only is it balanced but I have peace! And that is a good feeling. Despite plans to be here a while ago, I am finally here today. And now I get to go forward.

I know a lot of you out there are with me on this. You know these feelings, and you also punish yourself for not being where you hink you need to be. Stop doing that.

Give yourself grace. Realize it took a while to get to where you are and it will take time, effort, and work to get out of it. You aren't afraid of the work, you are afraid of the time. We all are. You are afraid if you don't change now, you might be this way forever. You won't be.You are concerned you are going to stay that way, you are conscious of it, so we both know you aren't just going to concede.

So take a minute to reflect on your life, what have you acomplished, that when viewed as babysteps, is no big deal. But to compare it side by side as a before and after? It is huge. Recognize that today and move forward.

We've got this!

The No Resolution- Resulutions

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I know many bloggers have long ago posted their New Year Resolutions. I have said before how much I enjoy making and keeping resolutions, but life in this last year has gone by way too fast with too much change. I have been really struggling trying to decide what I want to change, improve, or resolve to do better at.

I thought it was so weird to be struggling to discover things, and my relief society lesson in church yesterday led me to realize that the Lord is hearing me and talking to me. So thank you to that wonderful sister who taught yesterday (you know who you are ;) ). One of the sources for her lesson was a BYU speech I read that started me on my path to a lot of change this last June. There is a quote from this speech that I love:

"Is there any future for me? What does a new year...hold for me? Will I be safe? Will life be sound? Can I trust in the Lord and in the future? Or would it be better to look back, to go back, to go home?
To all such of every generation, I call out, “Remember Lot’s wife.” Faith is for the future. Faith builds on the past but never longs to stay there. Faith trusts that God has great things in store for each of us and that Christ truly is the “high priest of good things to come."

-Jeffrey R. Holland

So, after a lot of thought and pondering, I have decided on no resolutions of the normal type this year....

If you have read my Emotional and Mental Burnout Post, Room With a View or my New About Me Post you will see that over the last 12 months my brain is fried. Lol! Just dealing with anxiety, a pretty serious knee surgery, divorce and remarriage all in one year has been a lot. There are many times I wonder what God is thinking placing this much change on a life all at once, but I have to remember He knows what I can handle... The adjustments for myself alone have sometimes left me feeling like my life is unmanageable, but to throw on top of this helping with the fragile emotions of children adjusting as well, and blending 2 different people's lives and kids??? Yeah, crazy is the right word.

I haven't thrown the concept of resolutions out all together. I am just saying the ones that seem so tangible are not on my list this year. In the last 4 months I have found that  everytime I make a resolution for anything I am choosing, I am finding myself feeling alone and frustrated, and mostly just overwhelmed. I was perplexed knowing that change is what God wants from us. But I was forgetting the part that what He also wants, is my will with any changes that are being made. To sacrifice what I want, for what He wants for me.

I have decided I am not going to choose for me. I am going to humbly ask what is wanted of me... and go from there. So far, I have this:

1. Eat- and when you think you have eaten, eat again. I deeply struggle with feeding myself. It seemed so trivial for so long. Now, I see how lack of food contributes to what I cannot get done in a day, what promptings I cannot hear, and how I cannot be the disposition I want, and my family needs, if my body is starving.
2. Work everyday to see myself the way God sees me- I have lost almost 40 pounds since July. I know this is a good thing, but I don't see it. I still see the woman at her heaviest weight after her 3rd baby. I discovered that body image isn't about how your body looks, it is how I feel about how my body looks. I need to change this feeling.
3. Stop trying to "get back" to who I used to be- and create who I want to be now. About 5 years ago, I had my crap together. All together. The balancing act of housework, organization, self care, child care, exercise, etc. About 2 and a half years ago something broke inside. I couldn't hold it all together. Yes I was dealing with a marriage falling apart, a father who was dying, and a car accident that changed my life. But "having it all together" should have helped with these crises. It didn't. I was doing too much by myself, not saying "no" when I needed, and not trusting others to help me. This is not the Lord's way. I need to create who I want to be.

Yep, 3 whole things on my list. That is seriously all. The inner lover-of-resolutions-and-personal-change says I need to keep adding things. I know about a gazillion things I could add... but I won't.  Sometimes holding back is the real change we need need?

Have a Happy New Year!

Navigating the Negativity

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When I posted my most recent post about my Acceptance Letter and new About Me page, it was with a huge internal battle, and a lot of prompting from trusted friends. I knew that if I chose to go down that road there were going to be a lot of haters out there. There would be people to judge me for talking openly about my story. These people would range from those I thought to be friends, or women in my situation that choose to just accept their spouses activities, people that are ignorant to the life of a partner of an addict, and finally either addicts themselves. Let's face it, the guilty take the truth to be hard. The question for myself and one I had for others was how do I get through this part of telling my story and not let it affect me?

Keep Moving

So this post has been in the works for months!! Like, for a lot of months. And I don't know what to name it, and I don't know how to start it. All I know is the jist of what I want to say. But even that seems to have me pressing my back space in frustration too often. See, in the world of social media and Internet, it is still all in text and what one may or may not say is left open to interpretation as there is no tone of voice, intonation, or inflection...leaving a reader to wonder the intent behind some words.

Simplify Your Calendar: Repeating Appointments

It is that back to school time of year, and I have already failed almost every one of my "New School Year" resolutions. If you are like me, you think the kids are going back to school and you will be the perfect you again. Oh contraire... I don't know why I do this to myself, but I do... Every. Single. Year. I was reading the other day on Momastery her September Scandal. I laughed so hard, and then cried because I do this too. After reading it, I grabbed my big girl panties, and decided I am going to take it one day at a time...but for real. The emotional burnout I went through a while ago has been slowing down, and I feel like I am healing from that chaos. I also realize I am my own nemesis, as I seem to create too much for myself frequently. Which brings me to this post... Simplifying what you see on your calendar to create a less overwhelming sight!

Skin Care: Moisturizing

So, we are finally at the end of our skin care series... because only here doe it take months to post 5 posts about skin care. Thank you to those who have been so patient. For those of you tuning in when this is all finished, well- you are the lucky ones. :)

Here are the quick links to the rest of the series:

1. Exfoliation
2. Cleansing
3. Toner & Astringents
4. Moisturizing- this is where we are today.

Skin Care: Toner & Astringent

Finally, we are nearing the end of our skin care series. I am sorry for the long delay. I have had some personal stuff going on, a sick little one, a fractured arm for my #3 child, and newborn baby bunnies being fed by a dropper! Yes, I am feeling like I am running from one moment of chaos to another moment of chaos. So picking up where we left off- here is a quick recap with some quick links, this is where we have been and where we are today.

Skin Care: Cleansing

I would like to apologize for not having this out sooner. As part of my therapy for my knee is to begin activity, but slowly. A little cardio seemed in order. Apparently 15 minutes of kickboxing was not slow enough! The next day, the muscles in my hands were so tight I could barely open them and then typing was almost impossible! 

I have been talking about my Skin Care routines as of late. I have people asking me about it all the time. I don't think I am spectacular or anything, I get asked a lot, and so I am sharing what I do and what I use and have used. This is where we are right now:

Skin Care: Exfoliation | Scrubs: Sugar vs Salt?

I hope ya'll got a chance to read about Skin Care: The Basics. If not, now might be a good time to catch up. This is a second post in the skin care series. I am a practicing Licensed Massage Therapist that knows about the anatomy of the skin, it's function, metabolism, etc, and I have learned my fair share regarding skin care. I am licensed in doing body mud and seaweed wraps, and salt and sugar scrubs. But most of what I offer today is based off of my own experiences creating the knowledge I have. 

Long before my success in making some DIY Whipped Body Butter and Homemade Lotion, I was using a DIY body and face scrub. If there is one thing I feel I am pretty serious about, it is skin care. Not just care of the face, but actually all the skin: arms, hands, elbows, knees, legs... I kind of feel like since it's the only skin I've been given, I need to take care of it.

Skin Care: The Basics

I think for where I am in my life, my skin looks pretty good. At 37 years old, I don't have major signs of skin aging. I have been able to control breakouts and acne even though I have some hardcore PCOS. My children have not yet told me I look "old". In fact, I usually get compliments from complete strangers about my skin and complexion? (Not friends so much-what's up with that? Lol!) In fact, when I am in the makeup aisle of any local Walgreen's, Target, or Wal-Mart, I usually have a lady ask me what I use. So, I guess it is time for a post about what I do and my thoughts and feelings towards skin care.

Are You In The Club?

Are you in "The Club"? I know this is a really cryptic title, and it is supposed to be- an attention grabber is what I am hoping for. Something that at fills you with curiosity so you have to read on to find out what I am talking about? Is it working? :) In all seriousness, I have a desire this post will reach a lot of people as I believe so many are affected by this theory of mine and do not exactly know how to put this into words-both sides of the "club line". Trust me, I am going to explain.

My Room With a View...To the Blessings of Heaven

On February 19 I had another knee surgery. Yes, I did just have one 11 months ago. And yes, it is on the same knee. That makes this the 4th one on good ol' lefty. Two of these four were done more than 16 years ago, and I hadn't had any problems since. But I think I am just beginning to live the life I was meant to live.

Self Care: Not Just a Simple Concept

In the last few months I have been on a journey and it has taken me places I never knew possible. It started in September with my first panic attack, and I wrote my post about Emotional and Mental Burnout. It has been a very personal journey, but has also given me insight and perspective into, and for, the way most of us live our lives.

Happy 2014: A Year for Self Care

I hope you all had a wonderful Holiday season (all 2 of my readers, lol!) I did, and just like everyone else, I am transitioning to the holiday let down. I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. I love the newness of the year, a fresh start, and the opportunity to set some self improvement goals. But here in UT, it is cold, the snow is dirty, and inversion starts to really kick in, this is the hate part!

I am one of those sick tickets that love New Year's Resulotions.

Emotional and Mental Burnout

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I have never been one of those peeps that shy away from talking about the hard stuff of life. In fact, I embrace it. I believe this is how change and growth comes about. Just ask my bestie (you know who you are). In the short 6 years we have known each other we have covered every imaginable topic you can think of. Seriously...

Happy Birthday Dad

Dad, 

Happy Birthday! I love you. And if I was really going to be honest, and admit that I am not feeling so strong today I would say through tear stained cheeks that I really miss you. I know you prepared us well for your death-you did a really great job with that- but I think the level of emptiness I feel at times is something no one can really prepare for. Even if you have been through it, you can tell someone about it but they have experience it themselves to understand this type of grief.

We Could All Learn a Lesson from a Child

PUDDLE WARNING: This post might have the possibility of creating puddles of happy, touching tears. You have been warned. :)

I have been so very blessed. I have been given very good children. Oh they have their moments of fighting, teasing, and yelling at each other (Stop breathing on me!), but their nature is innately good. Since this whole thing with my Dad, we have done a lot of talking about helping my parents and what will be required of all of us. We had a family meeting and told them all of what was going to happen to Opa (dutch for grandpa). He was sick, he would be in the hospital for long time, he would lose his hair, and we couldn't bring the sick bugs to him.We talked about everyone sacrificing, so we can help my parents. They have been so good to do their part. 

There has also been a lot of discussion about finances, as hospital bills can get quite steep. I have a monthly craft group, and I decided, that all proceeds will be donated to my parents. My daughter Aunna, who is 11, proposed that all the kids do more to help around the house, so I could help my dad at the hospital, and have time to work on the crafts for the group. We also discussed the plans for a fundraising Boutique and how that would help financially for my parents. I would have to be making a lot of the crafts myself, so they said they would help with dinner too.

Bradley

Then this is where you will need your hankie... 

My 7 year old, Bradley comes to me and crawls onto my lap, turns my head to face him, and says: "Mom, I have some dollars, 3 I think. Can I give them to Opa?" At this point I was doing my best to hold it together. I told him that I was sure Opa would be so grateful to have them. Bradley then proceeds to ask me what else he can do to help raise money. He proclaimed he wanted to start a "Lemonade Stand Business", that's what he called it. But since it was winter, he thought hot chocolate would be better, and in the summer he would do lemonade.

He said he needed a box, to write a sign. I asked him what he would write and he said he would put...

"My Opa has Leukemia, please buy some.

25 cents"

He has been working on what he needs to run said business. Hot cocoa (of course), cups, spoons and a giant thing to put it in (thermos). Then he said he wanted to go to all the houses being built in our neighborhood and ask the workers if they would buy some. "Because, mom, they are probably cold working outside."

Yes, I think we all could learn a lesson from a child.