No Regrets

Dad in his SF hat.

Time has a way of slipping by, specifically when you want to hit the pause button. I know I spoke of my dad's diagnoses in a previous post, but I have not updated any status as of late. And yes, there are statuses to update.

 My entire life- as far as my medical history is concerned- I have heard doctors say something along the lines of  "we don't see this very often...", or "chances of THAT happening are minimal..." (and then it happens) or some other crazy unique statistic that has always made me feel like a freak. For crying out loud, I am allergic to NEOSPORIN!?! I used to joke with my sister, as she has some of the same issues, that we probably got it from my mom as her medical history is longer than my dad's. My dad has always been well, and if he ever came down with a cold you might think the end of the world was coming because that just never happened.

I spoke before of some challenges we had been presented in my dad's treatment plan. For those that know nerd speak he has the ALL type leukemia,with the Philadelphia marker, and some Chromosome 20 marker. These 2 markers together, the doctors said they had never before seen in the same patient.They also said they have never seen a patient diagnosed with ALL walk into the hospital vs being rolled in by wheelchair. And, it took them almost a week to figure it to be Leukemia because it "had never been presented" symptomatically the way it had in my dad. So, yes, I think we get it from him.

Monday November 8, 2012 I listened in on a medical conference that took place in my dad's hospital room. Involved in this little meeting were my parents, my brother +BJ, and a panel of MD's. They spoke about my dad's state of Leukemia, and discussed options available to him. There weren't many. 

My dad's uniqueness was a problem. He was starting to reject platelets. Because of the Ph + marker he had to have a marrow transplant. Because of the Ch 20, it had to be a 10/10 match. So far they had found only 4 possible matches nationwide. If they did find a match his survival rate was about 40%, and even then it would take almost 3 years for us to find out if it worked. There was always a chance he would just beat it on his own, you know miraculous healing and such. Or he could have a "maintenance lifestyle" where he could do maintenance therapy for years. As long as his body would let him. When all was said and done, survival rate doing nothing was around 3%. A little disheartening at best.

So November 9, 2012 my dad was able to come home from the hospital for a small reprieve between chemo treatments. Once he got home, and had the opportunity to think and pray, he made his decision. Life attached to an IV pole, gowning up with gloves and HEPA mask run an errand or to be around grandchildren was not his idea of living. Nor did he want the memories left with all of us to be of hand sanitizer, barriers, and him wasting away. He, and all of the family, has fasted and prayed and we felt it was time to let him go.

So that is where we are as a family.

He has been recording his last thoughts via a voice recording pen. He has asked each of us for a list of topics we might want to know about. I asked him to speak to each one of us and identify our best traits and why he likes it. I want to know what his favorite memory is about my mom, and what his best memories of his parents are. I even want to know his favorite memory about each of us. I want to know if he has any advice about regrets, and most of all I want to hear his testimony about the gospel as he gets closer to the end.

 I feel this has been one of the greatest blessings I personally could have received. We have been given a warning which has made it possible to have no regrets when his time to leave finally comes. 

Diagnoses

We've all done it. Heard some kind of tragic, life changing story that applied to someone else's life, and for a moment thought... "I am so glad these kinds of things don't happen to my family." I've done it. I personally have friends whose loved ones have been taken in an instant, or become sick, or even impaired. And everytime, my heart goes out to them completely, followed by that guilty thought.

Well, over the last 2 weeks, I have become that individual in your circle of friends. The one you have empathy for, feel compassion for, and then think..."I am glad it isn't me." On Wednesday, October 17, 2012 my dad was diagnosed with Leukemia.

Don't feel guilty though, you should be glad. We all have our individual roles in this life. And for whatever reason this is something my dad has to fight through, and in turn, we must deal with. These types of things are nothing you can really prepare for, emotionally that is. You have to experience and process the emotions, and in time you come to accept it.

I have to say though, as far as diagnoses go, we are lucky. When he was first given the news of Leukemia, they talked about a dual phenotype something or other. Meaning they thought he had both the ALL and AML types of cancer. Let's just say that prognosis was bad, like, no hope bad. I remember feeling kind of numb for those few days, and then... some good news. A few days later, the pathologists said it was just the ALL type, and we were pretty happy about that as far as families-that-just-received-cancer-as-a-diagnosis could be.

Now, 2 short weeks later we are trying to get into a routine of how best to help my dad, share the burden with my mom, and for me... make the most of the time. Not that we have been given a time, but I have noticed that since my dad has been sick, our relationship is different, he is different. I mean, how could you really stay the same? He tells me all the time to enjoy my kids, cause the time goes way too fast, that he loves me, and is proud of the mother I have become- and I see the joy in his eyes a lot brighter when I tell him the going ons of my children.

He has always told me he is proud of me, and I always knew it in the past, but now I am hearing it. Like it is sinking into my soul. And every moment I spend with him, I feel like is a photo shoot, memories I will add to my mind should the outcome not end up as optimistic as it started.

Everyday Life

There a are a few contributing factors that add to the irritation in this post.

First: It's Monday

Second: It's Monday AFTER a holiday

Third: I tweaked my back!

Having been injured before, I think what worse than sitting around waiting to get better is the fact you can't get anything done. You have the full capability of your mind to sit around and think about what needs to be done, and what you could be doing, and nothing to show for it at the end of the day. :)

Don't getme wrong, I love reruns of CSI, and Law & Order, even World's Wildest Police Videos, but after so long you just want something done. 

Saturday I went to workout as normal, and have no idea what happened, but my back was left all tight. For the rest of the day I was walking very slowly,and tenderly. We spent all day Saturday finsihing up some loose end decorating. Actually my husband finished up this stuff while I sat and told him what to do.

Because Todd is so awesome, he spent the day helping me and absolutely nothing got done around the house! So here is what this morning brought me.

Kitchen

Dusty Living Room

Girls Room

Master Bath

Master Bed

I took these photos this morning, and it would be really awesome if I could post additional photos that show things differently...... but it is actually worse. Remember.... its summer     and all the kids are out of school.... and I have 6 of them.... that think they don't have to help unless I am standing right there.:) Sound familiar to anyone else?

Life is good though. I actually sound crazy when I say I am thankful for days like these. It reminds me of how great my regular everyday life is. :)